Relationship Intelligence at Work

Relationship Intelligence at Work

(Inspired by Esther Perel)

Last week I attended The Growth Faculty LeaderShift conference, and like most conferences, I arrived expecting to take notes on strategy, leadership and future trends. What I didn’t expect was to be thinking about relationships for days afterwards.

Esther Perel was one of the speakers, and although many know her for her work on intimate relationships, what she spoke about applies just as powerfully to the workplace. She called it Relationship Intelligence. That phrase stayed with me because of my work with Conversational Intelligence - the two go hand in hand.

We hear so much about emotional intelligence, performance, productivity, KPIs and culture - but underneath all of it sits something far more fundamental: how we relate to one another.

Since COVID, relationships at work have shifted in subtle but significant ways. We are more efficient, more scheduled, and digitally connected - and yet we are less relational. There are fewer incidental conversations, fewer unplanned human moments. Tension stays a little longer. Misunderstandings harden more quickly. And the small relational upsets that once might have been softened by proximity are now not attended to.

One thing Esther said made me smile: grudges are connective tissue - but of a very annoying kind. They bind us, but not in a healthy way. In organisations, grudges are rarely dramatic. They are quiet. A comment not forgotten. A meeting that didn’t feel fair. A promotion that went elsewhere. And instead of repair, we move on - but we carry it.

Relationship Intelligence asks us to notice that.

It also asks us to look at the “grammar” of our relationships - giving, receiving, refusing, apologising, forgiving. These are not soft skills. They are relational competencies.

How comfortable are you receiving appreciation at work? When someone thanks you or recognises your effort, do you accept it fully, or do you brush it aside? Do you feel worthy of receiving without wondering what you now owe?

And what about saying no? Can you say no without tension, without needing to justify yourself, without building up frustration first? If you cannot say no freely, then your yes is rarely wholehearted. In many workplaces, burnout is not just about workload - it is about the inability to refuse.

She asked a question that has stayed with me: what is a conversation you wish you could have again? I immediately thought of a few. Conversations that ended too quickly. Conversations where I reacted instead of listened. Conversations I avoided altogether. In leadership, avoided conversations rarely disappear - they simply resurface in culture.

What I loved most about her approach is that relational conversations do not begin with interrogation. They begin with curiosity. Not a frontal question that demands an answer, but something that emotionally invites a story. Because we forget answers, but we remember stories.

She suggested asking someone about the story of their name. Such a simple thing - yet the moment someone tells you the history of their name, they become human in a new way. Or asking: how do you enter a place? How do you enter a meeting? A conference? A room full of strangers? Do you look for an anchor? Do you scan for safety? Do you position yourself on the edge, or step forward?

That question alone reveals so much about how we show up.

In the workplace today, Relationship Intelligence may be one of the most important leadership capacities we can cultivate. Not because we need to become therapists, but because we need to become more conscious. Every interaction leaves a trace. Every tone carries meaning. Every unspoken tension influences performance.

For me, this comes back to the foundation of my work: manage self first. Because how I give, how I receive, how I say no, how I repair - that is my responsibility. The climate I create when I enter a space is mine to own.

Perhaps this month the question is not how to perform better, but how to relate better. Because culture is not built in strategy sessions. It is built in conversations - one conversation at a time.